On Disappearing and Thoughts

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I said I’d post once a week.

Okay, I lied. But it’s because, as I said before, I’m not interested in posting about anything boring like what I had for lunch. That’s not blog-worthy, unless I am a fantastic cook or am doing a restaurant review.I wanted to write something that I feel is important. Something that you want to read.

Well, here’s the start. I still don’t have an idea on a specific blog I could write. So a random jumble of random posts at incredibly random times is what you’ll get until I can come up with something I think is good. And that will take a while, I’m a picky perfectionist.

So this post is going to be just a random jumble of thoughts, that I want to post. Normally I wouldn’t be okay with this. Posts need more organization. Well, this post does have some organization. These thoughts are more of self-reflections I’ve had, especially recently.

With college, I’ve noticed a lot of growing up has happened to me in a very short span of time. This has lead to a lot of stress involving falling out with friends, maturing, and having to change my actions. But that’s all negative things. And thankfully, negative things do have positives to offer – learning. I’ve learned a lot in these past weeks that have been chalk-full of these varied stresses. I feel it’s important to share.

We young adults, college students, what-have-you, often get a bad rep. We party, we break all sorts of laws, we just do stupid things because we’re immature and we don’t know, even though we’re expected to – apparently. I’m just trying to show that that isn’t always the case. I’m a 20 year old, sophomore in college. According to stereotypes, I should be out breaking these laws and whatnot. Instead, I’m growing up.

I’ve come to realize that having a social life is not a big deal. I don’t need a serious group of friends to be happy. The only thing that I, personally, want out of life is to feel valued. I need to do something purposeful. I need to feel as though I am needed. That is what truly would make me happy. And having friends is one way to do that. But when your friends blow you off, it hurts. This is where the lesson came in. Stop letting it hurt, and find a new way to feel needed. I’ve determined that I’m spending too much time lazing around. More time needs to be dedicated to things like a job or internship, or a new hobby. I can fulfill my needs without having to rely on others.

I’m free of that, and that freedom is a beautiful thing.

And speaking of beautiful, this is where the next thing I’ve learned comes in. As a woman (though I am somewhat tempted to say ‘girl’) I’m obsessed with my looks in the way that I see a model on the cover of a magazine and hate myself more. I’m starting to realize that I truly need to stop that. I can never look like that, my bones cannot just shift whichever way I please. I am pretty, but not the strikingly-gorgeous pretty. I’m the pretty that you’d expect from a mother in the 50’s. Except I’m not a mother, but my point is that I don’t have an incredibly angular face, I’m not tall and bony. I have softer features, and I’m starting to be okay with this. I can make it work. My whole life I’ve dressed down, because I don’t have any sort of confidence and I don’t know what fashionable even is. I don’t wear makeup, I don’t do my hair, I don’t wear cute clothes. I dress as casual as you can get. And all of that is because I’ve had such a lack of confidence in my looks.

And there’s my lesson: Enough of that. I can be confident in my looks, because they are mine. Nobody can copy my looks. I don’t have an identical twin to worry about. The next step in this lesson is confidence is learning how to work it. And it will take time. I’m okay with that.

 

In all, these lessons I’ve learned are tough. They hit home harder than a freight train into a brick wall. It even hurts a little bit. But I’m already coming to value these lessons as incredibly important. They are things I need to take with me, and hold on to. I need to use them to my advantage. And I especially need to use them to grow further. In the wise words of Mr. Rogers, “I don’t think anyone can grow unless he’s loved exactly as he is now, appreciated for what he is rather than what he will be.”